1. I do not own an eyelash curler.
My roommate informs me that
This is something that I
Must rectify immediately.
2. Today, on the subway,
A girl was pressing a metal spoon
Into her eyelids.
I observed no changes to her appearance
3. My stylist says my roots are “stressed”
I was not aware that my hair
Was under my employ, however,
Must give my roots a paid vacation
And a raise.
4. Apparently I am not getting enough
Vitamin A, B, D, Omega or Zinc but
If I rub cocoa butter on my heels and
Eat only cayenne pepper and raspberries
I could potentially live forever.
P.S. I’m running low on ginseng infused herbal tea.
Must buy before I get cancer.
5. Internet says urine is good for acne.
Must check if own urine will suffice.
6. Cosmo says the only way to avoid
A stale relationship is to practice
At least three new sexual positions each week.
I only know three sexual positions.
Must try not to get dumped today
7. My horoscope says that I should take
Advantage of the eighth moon’s extended stay
In Jupiter’s orbit and find self- assurance
And peace with the short nights of summer.
Must Google what to eat to boost self- assurance.